Vedas

Attention gay men who are looking for actual potential relationships on apps like Grindr, Jackd and the like:

As a gay man in a new area, finding gays is hard, and even harder on these apps where admittedly everyone (read: most everyone) is looking for a hook-up. (Note: No slut shaming here, but if all you do is hook-up, then this post isn’t for you! Hook-ups are fun! Please, be my guest and share your body with the world. Just use a condom because STI’s aren’t cute!) For us who are looking for something more, and since I’ve encountered so much of this in the past month, I’ve devised a handy reference for decoding Grindr language:

1. “Wanna cuddle?” might seem a little weird at first, but who doesn’t like to cuddle? I imagine Disney movies and cuddling, but sadly, what it really means is “Let’s cuddle until I get an erection whereupon I’ll try to have sex with you.” Spooning leads to forking folks. Someone always gets an erection. 

2. “Let’s chill” sounds innocuous enough for you to agree to, right? This guy must really want to get to know me! Face to face conversation, maybe watch a movie. Sadly, what this actually means is “Let’s chill at my house while I try to get you to sleep with me.” Yes a movie will be playing in the background, but it won’t be Marley and Me.

3. “I’m lying down” seems like an acceptable response to the questions “What are you doing?” or “What’s up?” right? It’s 10PM, the guy sure as hell might be lying down. Hell, I’m lying down half the time I’m on this thing. Unfortunately, you can be sure that it’ll be followed up with an “I’m horny” so really it means “I’m lying in bed and I wish you were here so we could have sex.” Next.

4. “Got extra pics?” is fine and dandy at first. He wants to see different pictures of me. He must be interested in me! Unfortunately, they don’t mean pictures of your face. At this point you can try to send him a few regular shots of you to divert his attention, or answer a flat no. Again though, this translates to “Let me see your nudes so I can get off on them” or “Let me see your nudes so I can see if I want to have sex”

Now it might seem like all hope is lost and everyone just wants a lay (and trust me there are more of these), but cheer up! These are signs of guys who have had potential:

-He has messaged you more than once. Persistence!

-He wants to go OUT with you - to dinner, lunch, cultural events.

-He can hold a conversation about your interests.

-Is OUT and VERY comfortable.

-He has SAID he is more relationship oriented.

-He has a tumblr.

-He loves food.

-Is over 6’0” athletic to stocky build with dusty blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.

-Is interested working with LGBTQ youth or involved with the LGBTQ community in some way

-Is an atheist scientist and free-thinker skeptic.

…OK maybe the last 5 only pertain to me. (If you meet anyone that fits them all, please send them my way). The rest are all good signs though. After sifting through dozens of men and having one too many awkward encounters, I’ve meet an awesome accountant for a very enjoyable lunch and have a date with a really great guy to a theater production next week. Have patience, and keep your eyes open!